The Fawn Response: Understanding Trauma-Driven People-Pleasing
Picture this: your friend asks you to borrow your car for the weekend because theirs is in the shop, and they have a lot going on this weekend that requires a car. It’s inconvenient for you, and it makes you instantly feel anxious. What if they crash or get pulled over? However, instead of saying no, you find yourself smiling warmly, handing your friend your keys, and saying, “oh my gosh, of course! Here – take my keys. Do you need gas money, too?” Inside, your stomach is in knots, and you are kicking yourself for not telling the truth.
Your partner walks into the house after work, looking stressed and overwhelmed. They slam their keys on the counter and run their fingers through their hair as they sigh exasperatedly. Even though you know you did nothing wrong, and this behavior is not because of you but likely because of work, you experience an immediate strike of adrenaline. Your blood is pumping, and you feel activation in your gut to do something. You immediately jump up, offer to fix them dinner as you rub their shoulders, and begin apologizing because of the clutter on the counter. You aren’t sure if you are trying to distract from the original stressor or possibly to point the clutter out before you get yelled at about it. You are hyper-focusing on fixing their mood so you can feel safe and comfortable again.
You’re on the first date with someone you find yourself really attracted to. They begin expressing political views that completely go against your core values. Instead of speaking up politely disagreeing, or trying to change the subject to anything else, you find yourself nodding in agreement with them, mirroring their body language and tone, saying “I absolutely get what you mean,” completely erasing your own identity in order to ensure they like you.
A group of people are trying to decide where to go for dinner. Someone asks you what you’re craving. Your brain literally goes blank, despite having a hankering for tacos earlier that week, because you’ve spent a lifetime suppressing your own desires to please others. You genuinely cannot access what you want, so you default to the all-too-familiar, “I don’t mind! Whatever everyone else wants will be great.”
If you find yourself resonating with any of these scenarios, you may experience fawning. Fawning is a phrase coined by Pete Walker, a psychotherapist who specializes in complex trauma and author of Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. You may be familiar with the fight, flight, and freeze trauma responses. Walker introduces fawn as the fourth trauma response. Essentially, fawning is a survival reaction where someone overly pleases others to stay safe. When their brain senses a threat, such as a fight, reaction, or anger, they automatically try to calm the other person down by agreeing with them, over-accommodating, or ignoring their own needs. It’s when your brain thinks, “If I make everyone else happy, no one can hurt me, and I will be safe.”
Because this people-pleasing behavior comes across as being helpful, generous, kind, or accommodating, it often flies under the radar, leaving individuals who may have learned to fawn as a survival tactic in childhood unable to access or understand their own wants and needs. In children, this could be the child who freezes when left alone to play, unable to read others’ facial cues to know how they should behave or what the should do. In adolescence, this could be the teen who shapeshifts depending on the group they are with: they align themselves with the majority regardless of how they personally may feel; they cannot feel their own no, so they default to yes to prevent abandonment. In adults, it could be the individual who is struggling with an identity crisis or who pushes themselves until they are physically sick, unable to read their body’s cues until it is screaming or shutting down.
The good news is that you don’t have to stay stuck in a fawn response. The first step is simply recognizing that this is something you tend to do. Once you can see the pattern, start paying attention to what seems to bring it on. What situations, people, or feelings make you slip into this response? Are there any sensations or feelings that specifically come up? Are you clenching your jaw? Is your heart racing? Do you suddenly feel panicked or afraid? Once you establish this awareness, allow yourself to pause before responding in the moment. As you notice your jaw starts to clench, and that panic creeps up from the pit of your stomach, acknowledge it, and give yourself a beat to take a few deep breaths. This may require you to say something to the effect of, “Let me think on that and get back to you” or ” I will need to check my schedule first.” As you resist the urge to give an automatic response where you appease who is in front of you and ignore your own needs, you are likely to feel discomfort. Throw in some grounding exercises such as box breathing or butterfly hugs to help yourself stay grounded in the present moment. Give yourself permission to begin practicing saying “no” in low-stakes situations and with people who you feel are safe emotionally and physically. Finally, try to acknowledge and honor what is present and true for you, validating your own emotions and needs inwardly before attempting to suppress them for the sake of artificial harmony.
If any of what you have read so far has resonated with you, know that you don’t have to unpack those experiences alone. Feel free to reach out for support. When you learn to recognize your automatic responses, you can better understand yourself and goals moving forward. Caring for others is important, but so is making sure you are not putting your own needs in the backburner.
