The 16-page report outlines the interviews between police and the members of the team, as well as their parents. It shows varying degrees of difference from interview to interview as far as what was taking place in locker rooms and trips off school grounds.

While the report centers mostly around allegations of students poking each other between the butt cheeks as well as an incident in which one student was allegedly held down to be poked in the same manner, other allegations arise. From an incident in which one student urinated on another, to an allegation of a team member touching others with his penis, police looked into several accusations that in the end resulted in no criminal charges being filed.

One alleged victim’s mother told police that her son was being targeted by the other members of the team. Meeting with police on Dec. 15, 2009, the mother said her son “wants more than anything to be friends with the other players” and because of that, “he does not want them to get in to any trouble.”

It is statements such as that, said psychologist Randy Flood, that reveal a distinction between “normal locker room behavior” and “bullying.”

“There is a power differential,” Flood said. “There’s coercion and one person is experiencing fear, harm and damage — emotionally or physically.”

Behavior that would be considered “normal” to Flood would be between two parties with equal power and would be reciprocated by both parties. In some instances within the West Catholic boys cross country team, that was not the case.

Police questioned team members about an RV trip in 2009. One teen told police some team members were taking others into the back of the RV and simulating sex acts on them over their clothes, while others held them down. In one instance, one teen told police an alleged victim came out of the back room with a bloody nose and without his jeans. At that point, other team members tried to drag boy back into the room, but the alleged victim hit his head, so the others stopped.

Flood said the reports are disturbing for obvious reasons, but also because of the positive steps schools have taken since the 1990s to prevent such behavior.

“A case like this hopefully will increase the awareness and help students, teachers, coaches and athletic directors to do a better job at training,” Flood said. “Hopefully, boys and other students will see this is a serious matter.”

Despite the prosecutors’ decision not to file charges against anyone allegedly involved, cross country coach Dennis Scully did not have his contract renewed.

School officials are sticking to the cancellation of the upcoming competitive season. They’ve said from the beginning, despite the outcome of the criminal investigation, they wanted to send a very clear message that this type of behavior would not be tolerated.

Watch Randy’s Interview with Wood TV 8

Watch the news clip on Infidelity in the Digital Age

Watch this news report about sex addiction

At the quantum level, everything that we’re so comfortable with as “solid matter” is really not matter at all. It’s energy. And this energy is intelligent. From quantum physicists like Neils Bohr and Albert Einstein, to molecular biologists like Candace Pert and Bruce Lipton, we get a vision of a universe ablaze with intelligence – a passionate and curious intelligence eager to recreate itself into higher and higher levels of complexity. Tiny fields of energy, each a whirling vortex of intelligence, seek each other out, joining forces just to see what will happen, creating something new each time, something much more than the mere sum of their parts. Each new synergistic merging creates a higher, more sophisticated level of intelligence. Like an atom. An atom is an incredibly sophisticated form of intelligence. And yet it’s barely the beginning. We go from there to molecules, to carbon chains, to DNA, to cells, to plants and animals. And then to animals that can think, that can reason, that can feel, that can be conscious of their own existence and their own intelligence. (In case you’re wondering, I’m referring to us. I’m giving us the benefit of the doubt.)

Neils Bohr may have reminded us that the universe is on fire, but it’s not exactly new knowledge. We’ve been told for millennia. Moses told us, the Buddha told us, Rumi practically tore his clothes off telling us. We’ve heard it from poets, children, musicians, philosophers, shamans, clergy. It’s come in through whatever cracks it can, through ecstatic experience, through dementia, psychosis, hallucinogens. The universe seems to want us to know that it’s on fire.

And yet somehow, in spite of this insistence, we continue to forget. We continue to ignore. Being animals that can think, we’ve greatly complicated things, and have been cast out of the proverbial Garden in the process. We’ve created all manner of structure and hierarchy – social, political, financial, educational, and religious, to name a few – and we’ve become incredibly busy maintaining all of this. We’ve got responsibilities, work to do, bills to pay. We don’t have time to be on fire. We have to wash the car. In recent centuries, we adopted an entire paradigm to support this rather prosaic approach to life: the Newtonian concept of a mechanistic universe. Everything became matter. It was now a billiard-ball universe that could ultimately be understood and manipulated. And there’s no denying the results were impressive. We came up with telephones and cars and airplanes. We all got a washer and dryer. We became very pleased with ourselves. And while we were busy reading our latest owner’s manual, God silently passed away in the night, and Science and Industry took their place on the Great White Throne.

We tried really hard to put out the fire. It took the irony of science coming back full circle to quantum physics, and quantum physics being co-opted by the military to shock us back into awareness. In our promethean quest to steal the universe’s fire and hide it from ourselves, we brought it right back out in the open in a way no human being could ignore.

64 years ago today, the United States dropped an atomic bomb on the city of Nagasaki, Japan. Three days earlier another had been dropped on Hiroshima. It’s estimated that roughly 100,000 people died instantly, another 100,000 died slowly over the next 5 days, and another 200,000 died even more slowly over the next 5 months. And who knows how many millions suffered long-term physical and emotional pain from the radiation and the devastation.

The grief I feel is enormous. I didn’t know any of the victims. I wasn’t even born yet. Even so, I feel tremendous grief. Grief over what this says about the current evolutionary level of our collective consciousness, that we would allow such a thing, that we could even imagine such a thing. That we could take the intelligence of the universe, this glorious intelligence that with rapturous, experimental curiosity had explored and catalyzed and synergized for 15 billion years to come up with this astoundingly complex form of self-aware intelligence… that we could take this unimaginable intelligence and use it to destroy itself!

My grief is a prayer. It burns inside me. It’s a resonance with the fire of the universe. It’s a no and it’s a yes. It’s a no that it’s not OK to be so unconscious. It’s not OK to be so thoroughly disconnected from the intelligence of which we are made. And it’s a yes that longs to stay connected to this intelligence. It’s a yes that refuses to crumble in despair even though 64 years later war still rages around the world. It’s a yes that burns madly and passionately with hope and vision and love and possibility.

Everything is a prayer. The burning intelligence of the universe is a prayer. It’s really the only prayer there is. And at our level of organization – the level of human consciousness – to pray is to engage in the dance. And we do engage, whether we’re conscious of it or not. To pray consciously is to acknowledge this intelligence, and to honor it, and align with it, and be in awe of it. My prayer of grief is a prayer to learn, with my brothers and sisters, to find our way out of our murky unconsciousness and into the light of conscious affirmation of the intelligence of life.

To pray unconsciously is to react, to judge, to categorize, label, dismiss. Mostly it’s to disconnect. Not just from our fellow humans, but from the intelligence that we are and that we are a part of.

To pray consciously is to be as curious as the rest of the universe is. To pray consciously is to allow the intelligence of the universe to express itself, to unfold itself through you in a way that it could not come through anyone else. To pray consciously is to say “The passion of the universe is singing out through me, and I’m letting it pour itself through me.”

This all begs the question: If this is such an intelligent universe, and if we are such a sophisticated organization of this intelligence, why would we ever be unconscious? To a certain extent, we can’t help ourselves. It comes from the paradox of being conscious mammals. Which means that while we possess reason and self-awareness, as mammals we also think with our emotions. In fact, emotion is a huge part of our thinking process. Emotions tell us what’s important and what’s not. They tell us what’s safe and what’s dangerous. It’s a very quick and automatic process, which is crucial for unconscious mammals, because it ensures safety as well as social connection.

In light of this, there are three reasons being a conscious mammal lends itself to being unconscious. The first is that for the most part, our emotional experience doesn’t come from direct interaction with the world; it’s largely mediated by our perceptions. And our perceptions come mostly from our unconscious beliefs, which come from emotional memories we form mostly in infancy and very early childhood. This is why sometimes our emotions have nothing to do with what’s actually happening in the moment.

The second reason is that emotion happens much faster than thought, so by the time we get around to reflecting on what just happened, our emotions may have already triggered a fight-or-flight response in our body, and that’s a very hard train to stop.

The third reason is that because emotional decisiveness is so crucial for survival, the more primitive emotional structures of the brain act with absolute certainty, whereas the reflective, thinking brain operates with uncertainty, with open-minded curiosity. That’s what it means to be awake and aware and conscious. It means you live with uncertainty. You live with mystery. And this tension between the certainty of the emotional brain and the uncertainty of the conscious brain is to a large extent both the problem and the solution.

It’s the problem because our mind-body system doesn’t like anxiety, and anxiety is exactly what we feel when faced with uncertainty. Anxiety freezes us. It debilitates us. So from a survival standpoint, it doesn’t make sense to indulge it. Because of this, there is vastly more neural circuitry in the brain dedicated to defense mechanisms like denial, projection, and rationalization than there is to self-reflection. I’m going to say that again, because this is the stuff that addiction, and divorce, and nuclear warheads are made of. There is vastly more neural circuitry in the brain dedicated to defense mechanisms like denial, projection, and rationalization than there is to self-reflection. We trade our consciousness to be free of anxiety.

I said this was the solution as well as the problem. The solution rests in knowing that this is what we’re up against. Knowing that the deck is significantly stacked against us. Knowing that the fiery intelligence of the universe is forged of uncertainty, while a good deal of our brain wants certainty to triumph. When we realize how much we’re up against, we realize how much it takes to be conscious. It cannot simply be an idle wish. We need to dedicate ourselves to becoming conscious. It takes work, diligence, and a fierce commitment. In order to meet the titanic momentum of our unconscious beliefs and all their certainty, and all the devastation they are capable of wreaking, we need to be able to hang out in the fire of uncertainty and all of its accompanying anxiety. We need to choose to live in the fire of curiosity and wonderment. To embrace uncertainty is the holiest of prayers we can ever offer.

Mark Nepo, the Kalamazoo poet, talks about the origins of the word “sincere.” It’s from Latin, and it means “without wax.” In the Italian Renaissance, sculpture was a flourishing artform, and unscrupulous marble vendors would hide the cracks in their marble by filling them with wax. So an honest vendor who would not hide the flaws was said to be “sincere.” When we let ourselves be sincere, when we let others see the places we’re cracked, we let the fire of the universe shine through, both into us and out of us. The burning intelligence that we are is allowed to be seen, and known, and understood, and shared.

I stand before you as someone completely broken. Utterly lost. Baffled. Thwarted at every turn by the relentless momentum of my unconscious belief systems. As I think we all are. And I do know, through experience, that we can find each other, we can find ourselves through our lost-ness. If I can meet you without pretending to know who you are, without labeling or categorizing you, if I can let you see how you impact me, let you see my fear, my anger, my sadness, my delight, my tenderness, my strength, if I can let my light, my fire, shine out through the cracks, and if you can do the same – even if we do it badly, clumsily, stupidly, childishly – if we can even do that – then we will give each other a huge gift. We will help each other stay in the fire with our uncertainty, and bring compassionate awareness to whatever we’re faced with. And we will have allowed 15 billion years of passionate intelligence to come together in a wholly – and a holy – new way. We will have given birth to a new thought, a new prayer, a new synergy that could not have existed without us letting go of our egoic self-importance. We only need to look back 64 years to see what happens when we don’t do this. We only need to look back to last week and that angry or uncomfortable exchange we had because neither of us would let go of our perceptions.

And we only need to look to this very moment, right now, to change our prayer. We only need to look to this very moment to invite new and unlimited possibilities by joining in the grand universal dance of wonder, openness, curiosity, and creation.

I’d like to finish with a poem by that Sufi wild man, Jalal al-Din Rumi. It’s called Love Dogs.*

One night a man was crying,

Allah! Allah!

His lips grew sweet with the praising,

until a cynic said,

“So! I have heard you

calling out, but have you ever

gotten any response?”

The man had no answer to that.

He quit praying and fell into a confused sleep.

He dreamed he saw Khidr, the guide of souls,

in a thick, green foliage.

“Why did you stop praising?”

“Because I’ve never heard anything back.”

“This longing

you express is the return message.”

The grief you cry out from

draws you toward union.

Your pure sadness

that wants help

is the secret cup.

Listen to the moan of a dog for its master.

That whining is the connection.

There are love dogs

no one knows the names of.

Give your life

to be one of them.

* From The Essential Rumi, by Jalal Al-Din Rumi (HarperSanFrancisco, 1995), Translated by Coleman Barks with John Moyne.

August 9, 2009

• “An estimated 22 million Americans age 12 or older were considered to have an alcohol or drug use disorder.”

• “As many as one in four children-(19million) lives in a home where problems with alcohol alone are a fact of daily life.”

• “Only 10.3 percent of Americans age 12 or older who needed treatment for an alcohol or drug use disorder actually received treatment.”

• “Of those who recognized that they needed treatment, 35 percent (266,000 persons) of Americans suffering from alcohol use disorder-and an estimated 88,000 people suffering from a drug use disorder (24.4 percent)-tried but were unable to obtain treatment.”

As of 1997 the annual financial cost for alcohol and drug problems in the U.S. was almost $300 billion. The social cost in terms of human pain and suffering is practically incalculable.

None of the above statistics is likely surprising to many of us. We know there are enormous problems. We also know that treatment can be effective, but access to treatment and the willingness to engage treatment (even when available) are significant obstacles.

The social stigma for persons with alcohol or drug problems impacts accessibility to treatment. While there are serious hurdles accessing treatment for the uninsured with coronary disease, diabetes, or cancer, these health problems don’t carry much in the way of stigma. Not everyone with coronary disease, diabetes or cancer runs right to the doctor, but most people simply find it much easier to tell employers, family and friends they went in for a by-pass as opposed to saying, “I went to drug rehab.”

Social stigma is powerful. Stigma affects the willingness of society to provide adequate treatment options. Stigma affects the chemically dependent person’s willingness to seek help. Stigma can contribute to family members being reluctant to seek help because of their own fear and guilt. Stigma also influences society’s willingness to utilize long jail sentences for non-violent drug offenders.

There is a lot of judgment in our society for persons who struggle with alcohol or drug problems. The greater the stigma the more likely it is that an individual will resist treatment. Uncle John may stubbornly drag his feet about looking into his chest pains due to fear of the diagnosis. Yet, if Uncle John’s problem is with alcohol or drugs, fear of the diagnosis is compounded by the social embarrassment and personal humiliation that is associated with addiction.

The Mental Health field has made gains in reducing the stigma associated with the common difficulty of depression. Society has become more aware that depression is something that touches many of our co-workers, family members and friends. Depression is increasingly seen as something that can be discussed without shame and viewed as a condition that is very treatable with medications, therapy and lifestyle adjustments.

Social stigma is a result of assigning blame or fault to a person for their problem or condition. And blaming persons who have alcohol or drug addiction problems results from a major myth that continues to exist in our society. The myth is that addicted persons are at fault for their condition.

We know that many major health problems such as, cancer, diabetes, and heart disease run in families. Just 2 years ago scientists pinpointed a gene that has been found to be a major cause of asthma in a significant proportion of cases. Alcoholism and drug addiction also run in families. There is strong evidence that there are genetic factors and vulnerabilities that contribute to addiction.

The AA and NA(Alcoholics and Narcotics Anonymous) communities, as well as the majority of alcohol and drug treatment professionals, recognize alcohol and drug addiction as a disease process. (The American Medical Association, the American Psychiatric Association and the World Health Organization also consider Alcoholism a disease). Part of what this means is that there is a biological component to addiction. The body of a person who becomes addicted does not react in the same manner to alcohol or drugs as a person who does not become addicted.

The communities of AA and NA have always taught that it is not lack of intelligence, will power or moral character that leads one into addiction, but rather an experience of “powerlessness.” Millions of us have chosen to use alcohol or drugs, yet it is only a fraction that loses control and become addicted. It makes no more sense to blame them than to blame someone who lives in Los Angeles for developing asthma.

The reality is that people don’t choose to become addicted to alcohol or drugs. In all the years that I have worked with folks on this issue, no one ever said “I recall it clearly now, it was June 12, 1987, that I woke up and decided to become addicted.”

People choose to move to Los Angeles, but they don’t “choose” to acquire Asthma. Why would anyone choose that and why would anyone choose the misery that comes with addiction?

While it is not the person’s “fault” for becoming addicted, it is most certainly their responsibility to deal with the consequences of their addiction, to abstain from alcohol/drugs and to work on a program of recovery. We can reduce the stigma by stopping the blaming of addicted people and encourage viable options for treatment and recovery.

Congress and governmental officials contribute to the stigma problem as they continue to allocate the majority of the federal drug budget towards law enforcement and incarceration. It’s not that these are unneeded. It’s just that our jails and prisons are already overloaded with people who have alcohol and drug problems.

Law enforcement and incarceration will continue to be a necessary part of society’s response to the enormous alcohol and drug problem. Yet, shifting our priorities toward prevention and treatment (which is cheaper and more effective than incarceration), not only makes economic sense, but it sends a powerful message that our society is seeking to de-stigmatize alcohol and drug addiction.

Al Heystek is a licensed professional counselor and therapist with the Men’s Resource Center at Fountain Hill, 534 Fountain St. NE. 49503.

Psychologist James Gabarino, Ph.D., discusses how violent media is a social toxin that affects everyone exposed, but it manifested primarily in the more emotionally vulnerable people. In other words, individuals who have problems with aggressiveness, impulsivity, limited empathy and emotional connection to others are more likely to act out behaviors that they vicariously perform in the violent games.

Additionally, the repeated exposure to violent games impacts a person’s brain structure and emotionality in that it grooms a person for violence. Why allow our children to engage in an activity that lessens their sensitivity to violence? Just because your child is resilient or healthy, why expose him/her to it?

Do we willingly and repeatedly expose our children to air or water pollution with the rationale that they seem to be fine afterwards, manifesting no immediate problematic signs? No, most parents typically do what they can to safeguard children from water and air toxins, yet may overlook social toxins.

It seems that we would want to do all we can to inoculate our children from perpetuating and condoning violence and abuse in the 21st century, as we have just left the most violent century in history.

We need to do all we can to condition and preserve children’s sensitivity and morbidity to violence particularly the painful impact on victims.

To do so, perhaps, will provide the next generation with the emotional and intellectual skills to diminish violence, oppression, abuse and injustice in our families, schools, communities and world, bringing us a little closer to “peace on earth and goodwill to all”.

Grand Rapids Press, 2003

Historically, we have tried to convince ourselves that domestic violence is a family problem, a private matter. But, in just one month, we were reminded how it affects the whole community. This was made particularly clear when the streets of Grand Rapids were lined with citizens and filled with droves of police officers mourning a fallen officer who was killed while responding to a domestic violence call.

Domestic violence creates significant collateral damage. It affects families and communities. That being said, we can stop domestic violence by working as a community on the very issues that perpetuate it. There are many means of prevention and intervention such as an improved criminal justice system, changing attitudes toward women, and raising boys differently. The primary intervention, however, is getting help for the men and women who themselves are abusers.

Men are typically responsible for the more serious acts of domestic violence. Male socialization trains men to hide or act out their pain, not ask for help. So, when men are in crisis, they are less likely than women to seek professional help. Men often will enter a therapist’s office for “rock bottom” therapy. They come at a time when it seems like it can’t get any worse, when they may have lost an intimate partner, a job or their freedom to choose counseling. When a man is ordered by the courts to seek counseling, this gets him through the door, but not necessarily into his heart and head.

We’ve all been told that the first step to getting help is to recognize that you need help; then, you must ask for it. Unfortunately, the problem for many men is that asking for help is antithetical to the masculine identity. Instead, men in pain are more prone to work, drink, aggress, play, isolate and generally “suck it up” or “act it out” than share their feelings. This is a lethal formula in some men. The thought process is, “If you humiliate me, I’m angry and therefore entitled to punish or stop you from causing me hurt and shame.”

People get humiliated and angry all the time. The key here is the sense of entitlement. This entitlement shows up in men who abuse women.

These men believe that their intimate partner fundamentally doesn’t have the right to humiliate or shame them, and so they have the power to stop or punish that partner. Some men will go as far as killing to punish individuals deemed responsible for their pain. To kill an intimate partner is just a lethal version of a common male formula: “I will do anything except introspect and feel.”

A desire to blame others

This male formula subtracts a man’s accountability, while adding the desire to blame others for his problems. When a man lives this out, the pain, shame and anger he experiences is understood and addressed through critiquing, fixing and punishing others. The missing links are his culpability and empathy. Consequently, when certain men experience rejection from their intimate partner, they begin drowning in shame, pain and powerlessness. They desperately seek relief via self-talk: “How could you do this to me, you can’t do this to me, this is not going to happen, I will put a stop to this.”

This talk often leads to hurting others, destroying families, and, as we’ve recently experienced, affecting whole communities. The way out of this downward spiral is to face the man in the mirror.

Asking for help

Whatever the situation is that ails a man, whether it is getting lost in Chicago, his career, his relationships or his life, he needs to not be afraid to ask for help. It can be easy for the male chorus to bellow out the line, “he needs help” when discussing murderers, abusers and molesters. The remaining men, who need help, are left to sing quietly alone in the shower, “Help, I need somebody, not just anybody.”

I have a profession that affords me the opportunity to journey with men into their hearts and souls. In a sense, I help hold the mirror. So many men fear being a wimp or a loser, hence equate the need for counseling to an inferior status.

However, the men with whom I’ve worked are the business owners, attorneys, engineers, doctors, Marines and plumbers of our everyday life. These men explore the interior landscape of their souls in order to navigate the evolving requirements of what it means to be a fit male in the 21st century.

They are my heroes because they have the courage to evolve into compassionate and strong men — men for the new millennium — soulnauts.

Soulnauts seek understanding

These soulnauts seek to understand better what is going on inside themselves in order to connect emotionally to their partners. They are learning more effective and respectful ways of parenting. They are learning to become emotionally literate and to manage their emotions in stressful situations. They have the guts to discover the craters in their character, the wounds in their hearts, the fire in their belly and the gifts of their humanity.

I have seen soulnauts become better fathers, intimate partners, business owners, attorneys, electricians and teachers. There is not a loser among them. They are entering into the next frontier for men, their own heart and soul.

As society evolves and changes, so must men. The fittest men in the new millennium will need to be in touch with and know how to manage their interior world as much as they have been masters at their exterior world of gadgets, organisms, territories and equations. Each person that enters a new frontier has to face the fear of the unknown and unfamiliar. The fittest male overcomes the fear and takes the next step just as the pioneers, innovators and visionaries of the past did.

Charting new territory

Imagine what the world would be like if men could experience pain and shame without feeling entitled to stop or punish those whom they deem responsible. A world where boys are raised to unclench their fists and open their hearts. A world full of heroic men, courageous and strong enough to not only be astronauts, firefighters and linebackers, but soulnauts able to go into the fire in the building and in their belly, into a board room discussion and into an intimate bedroom discussion. This world would solve complex problems differently and less violently.

Perhaps Grand Rapids wouldn’t have lost four lives to domestic violence if the alleged killers had sought help upon feeling rejected. On a grander scale, when we were all dealing with the fear and powerlessness after 9/11, perhaps the leaders of our great nation would not have led us to the war in Iraq.

The more we are able to identify, soothe and resolve the shame and pain in our interior world, the less it is destructively expelled onto others in the exterior world. The more we have the courage to ask for and receive help, the more fit we can become. As this process increases for men, I believe the world will be a better place.

Grand Rapids Press, August 5, 2007

A July 2007 Time Magazine article estimated there to be 16 million Americans addicted to sex, the majority being men. Many will never get to the point of infidelity, use of prostitutes, or having sexually explicit conversations with actual persons, much less someone underage, via chat rooms.

By means of video technology and the internet, pornography has become a multi-billion dollar industry. According to Internet Filter Review, in 2006 the revenues of the sex and porn industry worldwide were 97 billion greater than the revenues of Microsoft the NBA, NFL, and Major League Baseball combined.

At least, pornographic images contribute to the objectification of women leading many men to believe they can act out sexual fantasies outside a caring relationship by viewing porn on the internet, participating in sexually explicit chat rooms, seeing prostitutes, or having an affair.

At worst, pornography, especially hardcore porn, further removes sexuality from the realm of care and respect and reinforces the normalization of sexual violence toward women.

At the Men’s Resource Center, we often see men lost in the cyclone of sexual addiction. Have you ever met anyone who told you that they made a choice to become addicted? It is unlikely you have because addiction doesn’t work that way.

It is crucial for communities, ours included, to recognize and acknowledge the role of pornography and the internet in the development of sexual addictions. Clearly, sexual acting out behavior that threatens innocent and especially underage persons needs to be addressed. We must work with sexual addicts before they reach the point of no return.

Many men begin using pornography as a distraction from their loneliness, sense of isolation, or feelings of inadequacy. These motivations begin a pattern of use much like how someone begins using/abusing alcohol or drugs. Participating in the behavior provides relief from the stress or anxiety that plagues them. Although many are married or involved in a significant relationship, this doesn’t guarantee intimacy skills, nor protect from addiction. Through internet pornography, they can pursue euphoria and false intimacy, which can distract and give pleasure in the moment, but fails to give the satisfaction and experience of closeness that an actual relationship provides.

There are also men who may simply be curious about internet pornography and who are involved in what they would describe as a satisfying intimate partner relationship. These men can also develop a pattern of use that involves many hours per week and takes them away from their partners. This pattern of use, and the deception involved in hiding it, becomes a toxin to the user and his intimate relationships.

Whether a man begins using internet pornography as a distraction or type of medication, or whether he begins more out of curiosity, the process can escalate. Men can move from seeking some type of connection or mood altering experience on the internet into an addictive pattern. The process begins to take on a life of its own. Weekend use can move to daily use and start to create problems with self-worth, health, employment, legal and financial issues.

Sexual addiction, like an addiction to gambling, is considered a “process addiction,” in which a person, instead of ingesting a substance, is involved in an “acting out process” that provides a significant neuro-chemical high characterized by preoccupation and increased acting out in spite of risky consequences.

As with substance addictions, process addictions involve a hijacking of the brain where the neuro-chemical changes that take place result in a compromised ability to make rational decisions based on outcomes or consequences

While most sexual addicts who struggle with pornography may not escalate to committing sexual assault, or even to sexually explicit chat room conversations, they need to become aware of the potential danger AND invited to receive help. Unfortunately, admitting one has an addiction is often viewed as an excuse or a cop-out from responsibility. Additionally, a social stigma is often attached to people who admit to addiction problems.

We believe that education and treatment is key. The insidious presence of a sexual addiction in one’s life without treatment will eventually destroy everything in its path. Relationships fail, work suffers, and individuals begin drowning in shame and guilt. The journey into recovery requires commitment, strength, and honesty. We have experienced men from all walks of life crack their denial, understand their problem, and open their heart and mind to a more loving and intimate life. Although the hardest and the biggest step is the first step; one moves from isolation, shame, and chaos into a therapeutic community offering hope, joy and restoration.

We view sexual addiction as a reality to be accepted and treated. Men who struggle with this addiction and problems with pornography don’t get better by denying the problem. They get better by becoming accountable, admitting to the addiction, and doing something about it. It is our hope that men who are struggling will step forward and face their own sexual addiction problem – not just for their well-being but for their family’s and society’s as well.

What is at least as disturbing to me as the charges themselves is the fact that a conviction results in a minimum of 1 year and a maximum of 20 years in prison.

It is disturbing because long-term incarcerations are a by-product of the war on drugs, a war that we have been waging intensely through the 80’s and 90’s. Long-term incarceration does nothing really to address our pervasive drug problem.

Three decades after President Nixon declared “war” on drugs, they are more readily available, at greater purity and at lower prices than ever before.

Incarcerating persons who possess and/or sell illegal drugs may make many of us feel better, but nearly tripling the prison population, as we did in the 80’s has resulted in our prisons being overrun with non-violent drug offenders. And for every person who is incarcerated for selling (often supporting their own addiction), there are others willing to take their place on the streets. Meanwhile, there are millions of addicts and alcoholics who cannot get treatment on request.

The movie “Traffic” makes the point that addressing demand—not supply—is the appropriate response to the drug problem. Solutions are in treatment and prevention, not heavy policing and law enforcement.

There is a philosophy in Europe called “harm reduction”. It recognizes the reality that drugs are here to stay and it focuses on reducing harm, not eliminating the problem.

“War” conveys something to be won and it utilizes aggressive and punitive tactics. “Harm reduction” recognizes the huge financial and human waste in attacking the supply side of the problem and in building more and more prisons.

The United States has taken more of a harm-reduction approach with nicotine. We know prohibition won’t work; it didn’t work with alcohol.

Overall rates of smoking in this country fell from 42 percent in 1965 to approximately 25 percent in 1990 and have remained at that level up until now.

Public eduction and social restraints—not punishment or fear of incarceration—are responsible for the reductions. Teen smoking rates continue to rise. Appropriately, our national response has been to curtail tobacco advertising and increase public information aimed at teens, not arresting minors who smoke and placing them in jail.

Granted, cocaine is a highly addictive and scary drug. The threat to our youth, however, is not the seller. Cocaine use typically begins with friends or at a party with other users. Cocaine users don’t usually seek out a seller until they are hooked.

And cocaine addicts are not typically gun-wielding, arm robbers or murderers. They write bad checks, shop lift, run up huge credit card bills, prostitute or commit other nonviolent petty crimes. They are hurting and addicted people who need help, not criminalization.

Nicotine is also a highly addictive and scary drug. And we have known for a long time that the cost of cocaine use in terms of health, money and lives lost is a tiny fraction compared to the costs of nicotine use.

In 1993, of the 520,000 preventable drug-related deaths reported by the Journal of the American Medical Association, 4 percent were caused by illegal drugs, including cocaine, and 96 percent—499,000 deaths—were caused by nicotine and alcohol. With 400,000 deaths attributed to nicotine and approximately 100,000 to alcohol, it is clear where the major thereat lies.

Here’s the irony. If a store owner sells cigarettes to a minor, the state law in Michigan calls for a $50 fine, not 1-20 years in prison. Granted, if Robert Bultler (who has since resigned from Calvin College) is found guilty, then he broke the law and betrayed a vital trust in the community. There will need to be some consequences.

At the same time, let’s begin considering the kind of harm reduction approach with cocaine that we have with nicotine. Let us move toward decriminalizing people with drug problems, and find alternatives to putting people with drug problems in jail for years at a time. We should place more of our resources and energy in treatment, education and prevention.

We’ll never win the war on drugs, but we certainly can be wiser and more effective about reducing the harm.

Grand Rapids Press, 2005

1. Do you have a firm sense of who you are as an individual? Does your partner have an equally mature understanding of who he is?

Marriage is more than a chance to share the bills and bed! Successful marriage involves a complex process where two individuals come together and share themselves with the other in order to reap the many benefits of being in a real, loving, committed relationship. You can’t fully give of yourself to your mate if you don’t know what you have to offer. You’ll never be capable of revealing your deepest self – and therefore achieve true intimacy- if you don’t know who you are to begin with! If you don’t have your own life together – get it together first before you bring someone else into it. If you have unresolved issues – deal with them before they become yours together.

2. Are you joining together in marriage in order to give to your partner out of the abundance of your “fullness” and health (interdependent) or because you need the other person to fulfill your needs (dependent)?

Unfortunately, I would say that the vast majority of marriages, and nearly all new marriages, fall into the latter category. At first glance, clichés like “I’m nothing without you” or “you complete me” sound appropriate, and even romantic when conveyed in sappy love songs or movies. But they portray an immature relationship where one person is broken (and eventually less attractive to the maturing mate) without having their needs met by the other person. A full and healthy marriage is defined by two people who are capable of taking care of their own needs, controlling their own emotions, and fulfilling their own sense of completion – so much so that they have an abundance to share with their partner. These are the marriages that movies used to be written about!

3. How do you view conflict in a relationship?

As a terrible thing that means we’re doomed and should be avoided at all costs? As a fun and typical way to spend a Friday night?! Hopefully, its as a normal, natural, and even necessary reality that occurs when two separate, distinct individuals come together and, often for the first time, are forced to negotiate, change, and compromise in order to share their home, life, and dreams with another individual. Ultimately, this conflict is what makes us stronger, more mature individuals. Learn to do it well!

4. Do you share a common set of beliefs and values?

Compatibility is very important in any relationship, but let’s face it – you have already found each other, become attracted, and committed to each other to the point of becoming engaged. You are obviously compatible in many ways! As stated above, you will have to learn together to navigate the process of cooperating, adapting and growing as you deal with the ways that you are different from each other. In fact, these are often the reasons you were attracted to each other in the first place and, if not managed properly, could be the very same things that drive you apart! Learning to communicate, resolve differences, and just plain get along will come, often through a process where each of you changes some, learns new skills, drops old habits. Our beliefs system and values, however, are very close to our hearts and we are often less willing to compromise them. Be sure that you are committing to someone with whom you share a common belief system and never assume that this one will just change over time.

5.  Spend time “Mapping the Minefield”!

You know the Big Issues: Money, children, in-laws, hobbies, social lives, career decisions, religious practices, sex, the toothpaste. Work these issues through well before your wedding date and make sure that you at least have some basic understanding and common ground. If you have to, have the fight now instead of pretending that it will never come up! Then, commit to working together for the benefit of your relationship. And remember: In the scheme of things, how you determine the common parenting style you plan to employ with your future teenagers is exponentially more important than the color of the flowers what will be trampled by the end of the reception! Believe it or not, your mother would even rather you put off your wedding while you figure these things out than have you sleeping on her couch in six months!

…And PLEEEEESE – seek pre-marital counseling with a trusted therapist or clergy before you tie the knot!

Shore Bride Magazine-Spring 2008