Nearly 50% of marriages end in divorce.

What is going wrong?

Obviously, hundreds of different reasons exist as to why couples choose to file for divorce. However, here are four common reasons that often get overlooked:

#1: Pornography

Pornography is rarely addressed within homes, as it is an uncomfortable and difficult topic. Many people even refuse to acknowledge pornography as a significant problem. Nevertheless, the effects of pornography on marriage are astonishing. Spouses viewing porn on a regular basis are caught up in fantasies that fail to be satisfied by their partner. Kevin Skinner recently published a blog post that speaks to the negative effects of pornography on marriage. He says that wives are often bombarded with feelings of rejection and inadequacy. Men become guilty of the habits they cannot seem to break. Conflicts are inevitable when one or both members of a marriage are heavily involved in pornography. If the problem has become an addiction, talk to a counselor or a close friend to work through these issues.

#2: Excessive Anger

Anger is a common human emotion. No one has ever completely avoided anger, and in many cases, anger can be justified. However, when anger is harbored or repressed, it can become damaging to marriages. In a recent blog post, Susan Heitler reveals that whether anger is acted out through deprecating comments or harmful actions, anger is something that needs to be controlled even in its smallest doses. A better idea is to take a deep breath the next time this emotion rises and refrain from letting it control thoughts and actions.

#3: Unrealistic Expectations

On Valentine’s Day, Rachel Clark uploaded a blog post about the unrealistic marriage ideas that have been ingrained in us. She says that since childhood, we have watched ideal marriages where Cinderella and Snow White live happily ever after. We imagined that one day we would find our flawless, handsome prince and live the rest of our lives in wedded bliss. If only this picture were true. No man or woman will ever be perfect, and marriage is a process of learning to live with and love the one you have devoted your life to.

#4: Stress

Stress is an everyday reality. One source of stress is unresolved issues of the past that can creep their way into marriages. Other stresses come from running the kids to soccer practice while balancing checkbooks and maintaining a healthy relationship with a spouse. These stresses can quickly add up and eventually become too much to handle. Many try to live with a superhero attitude believing they can do it all, but this is not the reality. Relaxation and time away from the mass of responsibilities will start to dissolve this stress.

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But the truth is that our bodies need time to rest and relax. We were not made to run like the Energizer Bunny without time to refill. Our bodies function better emotionally, physically and psychologically when we grant ourselves time to sit back and unwind.

Here are nine simple ways to reduce the heavy load of stress that has been weighing upon you for the last nine months. These ideas are summarized from various therapists and trained professionals.

#1: Spend time in the sun.

This doesn’t have to be large chunks of time; even thirty minutes in the sun can improve your attitude significantly. Lie in the grass and watch the clouds roll by. Invite your favorite person over to play card games in the yard. Sunlight is by far the biggest source of Vitamin D, which is crucial for strengthening bones and regulating nearly every system in our bodies.

#2: Prioritize sleep.

Sleep can “improve physical prowess, lower risk of injury” and enhance “impulse control and decision making”. So whether it includes adding a nap to your Sunday afternoon or setting the alarm clock for an hour later, make sleep a priority.

#3: Practice Yoga.

Yoga is proven to expel anxious energy and increase your sense of calm. Whether you sign up for a beginner’s class or simply enjoy it in the privacy of your own home, yoga will take you out of your “fight or flight mode” of anxious energy and put you into “rest and relaxation mode”.

#4: Engage in your favorite activities.

Read a book. Watch a movie. Take dance lessons. Eat delicious food. Make a sand castle. Do the things that bring you joy because they will rejuvenate you and cultivate the positive energy that may be missing in your life.

#5: Watch a sunset.

The vivid oranges, purples, blues, and reds of a summer sunset are without rival. Don’t forget to take a night to stand on the pier or sit on your back porch and soak in the beauty of an exquisite sunset.

#6: Laugh.

Laughter has a way of freeing us from our emotional and physical stress. “Inhibitions, hang-ups, and self-absorption succumb to humor”. So go to that comedy club or choose the new comedy release on Netflix.

#7: Exercise regularly.

We all have heard of the benefits of exercising, but we also know how easily we can pick up the remote instead of lacing up our tennis shoes. Exercise “boosts memory, builds intelligence, improves mood, brings about better sleep, reduces body fat, improves breathing, and maintains immune functioning”.

#8: Turn off the electronics.

In our world of iphones, ipads, and ieverythings, we struggle to free ourselves from the constant buzz of this world. The daily news report can provoke our anxiety, and the altered photos of models can alert us to our imperfections. Be intentional about taking an hour, a day, or a week to turn off that piece of technology and enjoy the peace it will bring.

#9: Enjoy nature.

Take a walk and enjoy the variety of “sensory experiences” that surround us. We do not live in a world of textureless, white walls. We live in a world of juicy watermelon, slimy salamanders, and choirs of blue-jays.

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A few decades back, Meher Baba famously coined the phrase, “Don’t worry, be happy,” which was later put to music by Bobby McFerrin and then covered by Bob Marley. But wait – can it really be as simple as Baba, Bobby, and Bob make it sound? Can we simply choose to stop worrying and be happy?

The answer is yes. It really is that simple. But please notice I’m saying “simple.” I’m not saying “easy.” As humans, we come equipped with what it takes to keep it simple, but also with what it takes to make it very difficult.

Happiness is our natural state when our basic needs are met, and meeting our needs is something our minds and bodies are hardwired to do. Here’s how it works: whenever a need is met, we get internal feedback in the form of positive emotions such as relief, satisfaction, joy, gratitude…and happiness. These emotions motivate us to keep doing what we’re doing, so we can keep getting our needs met.

On the other hand, when a need goes unmet, we also get internal emotional feedback, though more along the lines of sadness, frustration, fear and anger. These emotions motivate us to change what we’re doing so we can start getting our needs met. But either way, our emotions are continually steering us toward meeting our needs, and consequently toward happiness.

That’s the simple part.

Our brains

The difficult part involves the cerebral cortex, that sophisticated hardware that sets us apart from the rest of the animal kingdom. The rest of our scaly, feathered, and furry friends lead a fairly simple existence. When they’re hungry, they go find food. When they’re scared, they fight back or run away. When they’re tired, they rest. Can you imagine?

Then there’s us, with this big fancy neocortex. When we’re hungry, we decide we’ll eat after we finish a couple more things. Then when we finally eat, and we’re full, we keep eating. When we’re tired, do we go to bed? Nooope. We play five more games of Angry Birds.

The thing about the cortex is it gives us the ability to conceptualize our experiences rather than simply experience them. We can mentally disconnect from our emotions and our needs, and zoom out to get a different perspective. Then, ideally, we can zoom back in and re-engage our emotions and needs with this enhanced insight. Which is completely awesome. Ideally, anyway. But in reality, it doesn’t always work so well. We zoom out but often don’t make it back, leaving our needs unattended. And of course, unattended (so likely unmet) needs will generate the feedback of anxiety and unhappiness.

It starts with you and your body

One huge secret to happiness is to get back in your body, because the body is where you actually experience life. Emotion is experienced as a combination of body sensation and an impulse to move or act, so you need to be aware of your body in order to feel your emotions. And you need to feel your emotions in order to meet your needs. And you need to meet your needs in order to be happy.

A great way to start re-inhabiting your body is by adopting some kind of body-centered practice, like yoga or mindfulness meditation. Another great way is to start noticing what happens in your body when you feel an emotion. And one of the best ways I know – excuse my obvious bias – is through a somatic (body-centered) therapy like Hakomi. Hakomi not only teaches you how to stay in your body and get comfortable with your emotions, it also helps you uncover and make sense of the unconscious beliefs that have made it so scary or difficult to stay. It can help you find the safety and freedom to feel your emotions, so you can meet your needs, so you can be truly happy.

Sound simple? It is. Sound difficult? It can be. But it’s so worth the trouble.  Your happiness is so worth the trouble. Remember: Don’t worry, just get back in your body.

Your happiness awaits.

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This is a question I receive a lot when people ask me what I am studying. Most try to give it a shot by adding the two words together. Art…so you do some kind of creative activity and then there is a therapeutic quality incorporated. This is pretty close to the truth.

Art therapy uses art as an additional communicative tool in the therapeutic relationship.

There are two main forms of art therapy in practice. The first form is usually found in a studio format, where individuals come together and work with some medium of art in the same room. This art can be discussed among each other or it can just speak for itself. The therapeutic quality in this experience is in the time spent creating art.

When one partakes in painting, sculpting or drawing there is a catharsis that occurs. It can be described as a type of meditation or a calm focus with a singular idea. The content of the art in this type of setting usually has to do with an issue or problem a person is struggling with. For example, an individual struggling with loneliness might sculpt the human figure to explore the idea of being alone. The process of creating art provides time for prolonged thought about an issue and a setting for self-awareness.

The second form of art therapy is more directive. An art therapist or mental health professional will guide a group or individual through a number of artful experiences. In some cases assessments are used.

One of the more popular art assessments is called the “House, Tree, Person”. A therapist will ask the client to draw these three images and then discuss the meaning of each. The house usually represents the support, environment or family in one’s life. The drawing stimulates conversation about these topics. It also provides a way to talk about serious issues in a less direct way. For example, if there were family problems, the client would be able to talk about the problems in the drawing first instead of speaking immediately about oneself. It is important to remember that there are no features in a drawing that represent a singular thing. A hole in a tree does not automatically mean that someone was abused as a child. A trained professional in art therapy knows how a person describes the art is much more valuable information than the content itself.

Art therapy can be used with individuals of any age, not just children. It is effective with children however because drawings are an easier form of expression for children who have not developed a large vocabulary or high levels of self-awareness. It also provides a focus point in therapy when attention spans are not very long. These aspects of art therapy can still be used with adults, teenagers and people with other needs. Art provides a starting point for a conversation. It also adds a third “individual” in the room at times because a therapist and client can talk together about it.

Like other alternate forms of therapy, art has the potential to add meaning, understanding and examination in a different way than traditional talk-therapy.

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Due to the lack of research on this topic, Randy and his co-author Charlie Donaldson, are conducting their own through a short survey.

If you are a woman, we’d love to hear from you. Tell us what you think and how you feel about the man in your life!

The survey will provide Randy and Charlie to needed insight to continue authoring their next book.

Please remember your answers are confidential.

Thank you for your help!

The post We need your help! appeared first on Fountain Hill Center.

Couple’s counseling can strengthen your relationship by providing new tools for you and your partner to use to improve your relationship. Some individuals hesitate to seek out couple’s counseling for fear of exposing struggles in their partnerships or fear that it may not help their relationship. Couple’s counseling, can in fact, greatly improve your relationship satisfaction.

Here are 5 ways that you and your intimate partner can benefit from couple’s counseling.

1). Rebuild Your Bond and Rediscover One Another

By engaging in couple’s counseling you will rebuild the bond that you once had with your partner. Couple’s counseling works to increase your connection with your partner and in this process you and your partner may rediscover one another in a new and healthy way.

2). Improve Your Communication

Couple’s counseling provides communication tools for you and your partner in order to create healthier ways of communicating with one another. Improving your communication style can greatly improve your overall relationship.

3). Learn to Fight Fairly

As we know, in every relationship conflict arises from time-to-time. It is important for you and your partner to know how to work through this conflict together. Couple’s counseling can help you and your partner learn new conflict resolution skills. By engaging in couple’s counseling you and your partner can learn to work through conflict in a respectful and loving ways.

4). Develop Deeper Intimacy

Taking the journey through couple’s counseling you and your partner can develop a deeper intimacy with one another. By having new emotional experiences with your partner in counseling you can improve your intimacy and connection in your relationship.

5). Develop a Greater Sense of Who You Are

Through the process of couple’s counseling you may develop a greater sense of who you are and what role you play in your relationship. By learning new things about yourself, you can learn new ways to help heal your relationship and increase your relationship satisfaction.

There are more than these 5 ways that couple’s counseling can improve your relationship. All you need to do is ask yourself do I want a better, happier, and healthier relationship? If so, couple’s counseling may be a useful tool to benefit your relationship!

The post Couples counseling isn’t just for the broken appeared first on Fountain Hill Center.

The ideas that “men don’t ask for directions,” or “men don’t ask for help” continue to describe a reality for many men. It is not uncommon for the concept of support to be understood as “giving support” to someone else.

At Fountain Hill Center, so many men share their support stories: assisting family members with a project, helping friends move or even just giving their neighbors a ride.

When the discussion moves to the man asking for help, the notion of support can become quite the obstacle.

The biggest single obstacle I often see with men is isolation, a product of pride, independence and fear of vulnerability.

Most men can readily claim that they have acquaintances and some friends, but few are able to acknowledge they have an “inner circle”. An inner circle is at least one very close and trusted friend, with whom you can be open and vulnerable.

Our human struggles are made lighter by the power of support. Through it, we are able to express the pain, fear, disappointment or even the joy of our lives. It gives us the opportunity to hear the perspective of someone else; this external perspective may tweak our own perspective or attitude. And most of all we can know we are not alone in our struggles. All this can be empowering and help build one’s confidence.

Counseling can assist with this process of becoming more comfortable in seeking out and developing a support system. At the same time, it is each of our individual responsibility to build that support system for ourselves, but with support…as the saying in the 12 step community goes, “you alone can do it, but you don’t have to do it alone.”

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Something has to give.

The volcano overflows, the pipeline blows, the girder snaps—all with potentially catastrophic results.

Stress and Pressure buildup: Your body keeps the score

We tend to ignore the fact that we, too, are subjected to increasing pressures. When it comes to ourselves and the stress we face throughout the day, something eventually has to give- just like the natural world.

This is experienced over time: rising prices, lost jobs, working “smarter and harder”, catastrophic events (both human caused and natural).

For example:

• that mom and pop store with more stress from regulations and costs
• the customer service centers where the caring employee is expected to do the job AND keep the numbers  down
• the parents with the new baby and inadequate sleep
• tough decisions
• time constraints
• overloaded schedules

Pressure builds, with predictable results: (blowup or implosion)

• sleep loss
• anxiety
• frustration
• anger
• emotional “blowups”
• The freeze, flight, fight response kicks in with predictable systemic symptoms:  rapid heart rate, increased blood pressure, gastrointestinal problems, muscle tension, dizziness, and various body symptoms

That’s when many of us finally get it.  We are ready to blow/implode.  Now we need help.  What to do?

Relieving the Pressure, Relieving Your Stress

1. Begin with quiet. Yes, quiet. Your body has been subjected to multiple stressors which includes the clangor of modern life. You deserve (and likely the muscles of your body crave) the opportunity to recover from the noise of “civilization.”
2. Tune in to your current body state: muscle tension, heart rate, stomach and other organs and pay attention to each area that calls to you.
3. Watch your dog or cat or child sleep. A short breath in, a slight pause, and a long breath out.  You also sleep like this. Your breathing can calm your body by addressing your amygdala, your fight-or-flight survival mechanism. It tells your amygdala that you consider yourself safe and it is ok to release tension.
4. Accompany this with calming music, a restful or beautiful picture, a warm cup of soup or tea, or something soft to touch.
5. Repeat numbers 1 through 4 until you feel some relief.
6. If your stress doesn’t respond as much as you would like, seek further help from a therapist who understands stress. Your body and mind will appreciate these gifts you give to it.

The post Easy ways to manage stress build up appeared first on Fountain Hill Center.

There are an estimated 11 million undocumented immigrants currently in the U.S., some of whom have lived here as long, or longer than in their country of origin. Many have put down roots in their community, have jobs and families, and are hoping for a future that includes better care and opportunities than what had previously been available to them.

In order to fully participate in all the U.S. has to offer, however, many must make the difficult choice to leave all of these things behind and voluntarily deport to their birth countries to be interviewed and evaluated for U.S. residency.

Once the immigration process is started, the call that gives them their interview date at their country’s embassy could come at any time. Individuals must be prepared to drop their lives and leave on short notice, many without time to make more than rudimentary preparations. Jobs are lost, spouses who are already U.S. citizens suddenly become the head of single-parent households, and financial savings are drained. Most significant, however, is the break-up of families during one of the most stressful and lonely times in their lives. Depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, and a host of physical symptoms are a common response to the strain of separation, but often go untreated due to lack of finances or lack of time as they struggle to balance jobs and children without their partner.

Because the outcome of each family’s process and journey through this tangled web of paperwork, interviews and extreme amounts of waiting is different, it is unknown whether or not the spouse seeking citizenship will actually return to this country or not.

We’ll continue to work with as many affected lives as we’re able to- there’s a huge need for mental health services for this demographic of our population. We have high hopes of expanding our services in this area soon.

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–wished you had a best friend who was available to listen to something you were upset about

–had a secret which was bothering you and you didn’t feel you could tell anyone

–you felt so depressed, anxious, worried or upset over something that you felt sick or like dying

–just needed reassurance or answers to questions you were confused about

We have all felt like this at one time or another. This is when it would be a good time to find someone to talk with who is a trained counselor or therapist.

There are many forms of therapy but they all embrace the process of changing for the better.  Therapists want to increase their clients’ sense of well-being by helping them understand their thoughts and feelings in relationship to a problem. This increased understanding enhances self-awareness and life skills with an emphasis on developing new ways to cope with daily stressors.

Therapy is a relationship built on trust that grows over time. It is an ongoing commitment to improve emotional and physical health. Therapy is not an invasion of privacy because you only share what you choose but the more honest you are the quicker therapy progresses and the sooner you will feel better. Some people are afraid that they are “crazy” and will be “locked up” if they come in to talk with someone. Therapists are taught knowledge and skills that are designed to keep people out of hospitals as no one wants to be in a hospital unless there is no other answer.

Therapy is for everyone, from childhood until death, no matter how big or how small the problem.  There is always more we can learn about ourselves that can help us feel happier and stay healthier longer.

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