While you may not describe yourself as sad, you may have the feeling that your friends are too busy for you. You may not see the point in trying to help other people or doing your job well. You may feel like things just don’t matter. You may have told yourself that if you could just get enough sleep, you’d feel better. But if you have difficulty getting to sleep or staying asleep, this may also be a sign that you have depression. Others find themselves sleeping much more than usual. As weeks go by in this tired, empty state, it begins to seem like nothing will ever change. You may not feel like eating much and have probably given up your hobbies or favorite games.

When some of these feelings (hopelessness, meaninglessness, loneliness, and purposelessness) and physical signs (difficulty sleeping, loss of concentration, slower movements, decreased appetite) occur together, it could be depression. It is a good idea to get a “check up” from a counselor or mental health professional. This is actually quite common, since 1 in 15 people experience depression every year.

Depression can look different from person to person. Sometimes depression may require medication to see improvement. Other times, talking to a counselor and making specific changes in our routine can improve depression. Often a combination of medication and therapy is best. Untreated depression can become debilitating over time, so it is important to begin talking with friends, family and professionals about the best way to help you feel better in the long run.

Written by Ian Nelson, LLP intern

Depression is more than loneliness or isolation. When we experience major depression, we also experience a lack of purpose, meaning or pleasure. You may find that you have stopped enjoying food, your job, even your favorite hobbies or spending time with friends. It may take longer to complete tasks at work or to get ready in the morning. You may have begun calling in sick and feeling exhausted all the time. If you have difficulty sleeping or are sleep much more than usual, this is also a sign of depression.

When some of these feelings (hopelessness, meaninglessness, loneliness, and purposelessness) and physical signs (difficulty sleeping, loss of concentration, slower movements, decreased appetite) occur together, depression is likely. You may have attributed a lack of appetite, difficultly concentrating, fatigue and sleep problems to other causes. However, when these occur together, depression may be the cause.

Depression is quite common, affecting 1 in 15 people every year. It can look different from person to person. Sometimes depression may require medication to see improvement. Other times, talking to a counselor and making specific changes in our routine can improve depression. Often a combination of medication and therapy is best. Untreated depression can become debilitating over time, so it is important to begin talking with friends, family and professionals about the best way to help you feel better in the long run.

Written by Ian Nelson, LLP intern

The Penn State football culture seemed to be more passionate about preserving and performing in the game of football than to do well and be responsible in the Game of Life. They had one of their colleagues sexually exploiting and abusing young boys on their watch and in their showers. Why didn’t they throw the flag for encroachment? In the Game of Life, you aren’t supposed to step over that line. Not only is it a rule among a civil society, it’s against the law. Why didn’t the rules for the Game of Life trump success in the game of football? It may have caused a loss of a good football coach, or it may have created temporary negative publicity on the program. But, it would have shed light on more than a few good men doing the right thing.

Throwing the flag and calling the authorities is the right thing to do for the man who lost his playbook in the Game of Life. It is the right thing to do for the young powerless boys who needed protection from a blitzing human being aimed at getting in the backfield of sexuality. Unfortunately, we have predators in our midst and it up to us to protect the powerless from them. Football is fun to watch, but it loses it attraction when men lose at the Game of Life while trying to build a winning program. Are we ready for some football? Yes. And only yes, if football programs are following the rules of the Game of Life first and foremost.

• Adrenaline pumping
• Fast breathing
• Heart racing
• Stomach churning
• Vision narrowing
• Muscles tightening
• Palms sweating
• Dizziness

Surviving this body onslaught seems impossible to halt. But you can handle it, and not just with the proper medications, though they may help this process. When your brain has been hijacked this way, thought itself is altered, hijacked, with reason and logic a distant memory. Whether it is worry, anxiety, trauma, or fear, you can learn to handle it.

And the physical skills that may help contain it:

First try a little experiment, right where you are. Take in a very gentle breath through your nose (just as you would for yoga) and sending it to the lower lobes of your lungs, under your diaphragm. (You remember your music teacher telling you to breathe from your diaphragm in grade school, right?) Hold that breath a few seconds, and now, narrowing your mouth to the shape of a straw, gently let that breath out through your mouth verrrrrrrrry slowly. Ahh! You have just begun to gain control over your anxiety.

Over the course of several sessions, you can learn many more skills to manage the “hijacking” and regain control. These are concrete skills, tailored to bring down anxiety and panic to a manageable level. Let’s work together to put worry and anxiety in their place.

Most couples coming into therapy identify “communication” as the main issue that caused them to call. Communication can break down over finances, intimacy, parenting, household duties, or any number of issues. Communication in marriage often breaks down in predictable ways so important factors in helping a couple change have less to do with their specific issue and more to do with the pattern of communication the couple uses.

Most couples who come in for couples counseling have come to a point where one or both of the partners has decided that it is easier, maybe less complicated, to avoid a conflict than to approach it. They are aware that to “go there” with their partner will likely cause conflict in the relationship so they choose to go along with their partner instead of fighting about it. Believe it or not though, conflict avoidance by one or both partners in a relationship tends to be one of the most common causes of communication issues for couples. This will be explained more fully a little later.

In most cases, people usually choose to avoid conflict for noble reasons. It seems right to the married person to be selfless, even sacrificial for their partner and to put their partner’s needs before their own. After all it is better to give than to receive. Putting their partner first is the easiest and right way to keep peace in the relationship. Avoiding conflict can seem like the right approach, but it can be hard to accurately assess the cost.

Take for instance a made-up couple Ken and Sue: Ken rarely likes to go out to eat and when he does he likes to go to a certain restaurant that he calls his “favorite greasy spoon.” Sue on the other hand would love to go out to eat often but would never, ever choose Ken’s favorite greasy spoon. On a Friday night after a long week Ken suggests that he and Sue go out to eat. Sue tells him she would love to. Ken asks where she would like to go and Sue tells him that it doesn’t matter to her – that anywhere would be fine. Sue doesn’t want to argue with Ken and besides she is just happy to be going out. When Ken suggests then that they go to his favorite greasy spoon, Sue replies with a disheartened, “Sure, that’d be great.” After all it is his favorite place to go and she likes to see him happy. Sue believes that not arguing and getting to go out is better than fighting over where to eat.

Ken and Sue would be fine if this were an isolated incident. If Sue were appeasing Ken this once then it would truly be a sacrificial, selfless act of generosity. But if this is not an isolated incident, if it is more like a pattern where Sue tends to usually go along with Ken and agree to do something she doesn’t really want to do then this is conflict avoidance. In a conflict avoidant pattern, Sue would not be choosing to appease Ken, she would actually feel that she had to appease Ken, that going along with Ken would be her only option. Over time, conflict avoidance takes its toll on a relationship and causes predictable difficulties in the relationship. Part 2 will describe for you the mechanics and hidden effects of avoiding conflict in marriage.

If you believe that you and your partner would benefit from sessions of direct counseling on this issue and you live in the Grand Rapids area, contact The Fountain Hill Center today to set up an appointment with Dr. Thornsen.

Fountain Hill Center is excited to welcome Bev Becksvoort and Tracy Thompson to the Lakeshore Office. Bev has been seeing clients at the New Era Reformed Church office on Mondays since September 2010. After years of working as a teacher, she obtained her degree as a clinical social worker from Western Michigan University when she became an empty nester. She has worked since 2000 with women, children, young adults, and families, providing counseling in such areas as parenting challenges, learning differences and ADD/ADHD in children, divorce/separation, blended family adjustments, grief and loss, difficult medical diagnoses, childhood trauma, premarital and marital counseling, anger management for women, power and control issues in marriage, midlife transitions and career adjustments, and issues of aging and caregiving. Tracy is currently an Intern at Western Michigan University completing her masters in Counseling. Tracy has worked with children and families in various agencies for several years. She received her Bachelors degree in Psychology from Trevecca Nazarene University and has served as a volunteer in Ukraine and Kyrgyzstan. She is currently working with the children at New Era Elementary on Thursdays each week throughout her internship.

The Fountain Hill Center therapists work with any person, couple or family in need regardless of how much they are able to pay. The therapists themselves offer their services through the Lakeshore Office at a reduced rate compared to other settings. Those who are able are asked to cover the full cost of that fee. The generosity of many local community donors, public and private, also provides for a subsidy fund to assist clients who are unable to pay the full fee. The New Era Reformed Church provided the founding support and continues to be very involved today. From the beginning, they have graciously offered space to meet with clients which significantly reduces overhead expenses and makes this service available.

Almost since the inception of this program, because of the funding they have received from individual donors, churches, the Oceana Community Foundation, the Gerber Foundation, and the Great Lakes Energy People’s Fund, they have been able to provide counseling services to the local elementary schools. Tracy Thompson, a counseling intern, will be seeing children at New Era Elementary school on Thursdays of each week throughout this school year. Fountain Hill Center continues to be committed to working with children and their families in these communities in order to increase stability and improve the daily lives of those served.

If you would like to make an appointment with one of the therapists in the New Era office, please feel free to contact Amy Van Gunst at the Fountain Hill Center at 1-866-456-1178 to be matched with a counselor and schedule an intake appointment.

Published in the Oceana Herald Journal

“It really began as a pretty simple grassroots thing,” says Amy Van Gunst, a Fountain Hill Center therapist who serves as the link to this area, having been born and raised in New Era. “I had just moved back to this community from Grand Rapids and a local pastor asked if I would be willing to see a couple he knew who was having some marital problems. It really just took off from there.”

In addition to Amy Van Gunst, two other FHC therapists make a weekly commute to the area to see individuals, couples and families in an office provided by New Era Reformed Church. The Center also regularly employs a graduate-level intern who provides counseling support to children and their families in the local schools.

Ann Byl knows this program well; serving as a council member at New Era Reformed, a Family Advocate in Shelby Public Schools, and as a member of both the FHC Board of Directors, and the newly-formed FHC-Lakeshore Office Advisory Board, a group tasked with increasing the financial backing of the program. “Having access to this kind of support for our community has been a real blessing. We [the church and school] provide them space and some support and they provide a service that is needed and otherwise, too often, not available in this area.”. Other members of the Advisory Board include Mishelle Comstock, Executive Vice President and Chief Operating Officer at Shelby State Bank; Darrell Huggins, Community Advocate; Rev. Ruth Fitzgerald, Shelby Congregational Church; Paula Van Duinen, Wickstra Realty; Dana McGrew, Superintendant of Shelby Public Schools; Todd Kraai, Principal at New Era Elementary School; Mary Beckman, Coordinator of Support Services at New Era Christian School; Tammy Carey, Executive Director of Oceana Community Foundation; and Chuck and Jane Thompson, community residents.

And the need is great. The center has remained committed to its pledge to serve anyone who seeks help, regardless of their ability to pay. The Fountain Hill Center maintains a fund that subsidizes the cost of counseling for anyone who needs services and cannot manage the full cost of counseling. “This truly is a community effort,” says Mary Beckman, chair of the Advisory Board. “The therapists reduce their rate and cover their own travel and administrative expenses, the church provides space and money, clients are asked to pay what they can, and then we rely heavily on the financial gifts of individuals, churches, businesses and foundations to make this work. We have said that this is something we want for our community and now it is up to us to make it happen. Without that support, this program simply would not exist in our area.” The Committee has set a goal of raising $65,000 this year to keep the program funded at its current level of service, about 20-30 clients a week. One hundred percent of those funds are used to directly subsidize counseling costs as all overhead costs are paid by the program’s partners in the community.

So far this year, the counseling program has received generous grants from both the Community Foundation for Oceana County and the Great Lakes Energy People’s Fund. They have also received gifts from the Gerber Foundation, as well as numerous churches, businesses, and individuals in the area. For more information on the Lakeshore counseling program or to make a donation to the fund, call the Fountain Hill Center at (616) 456-1178 or visit http://fountainhillcenter.org/outreach/new-era/

Published in the Oceana Herald Journal

Because of our gender constructed views on sexuality, what isn’t being discussed is the toll this sexual experience has on the young lad. We saw glimpses of this toll throughout the movie. He experienced profound hurt and sadness after he was temporarily rejected by his adult lover, while he anxiously waited for her acceptance of him again. We saw how he became estranged from his same-age peers as he became more and more preoccupied with his sexual relationship, thus relegating swimming and other fun adolescent activity for clandestine afternoon sexual escapades. He also became increasingly distant from his family while attempting to hide the sexual relationship and make sense of it all alone. After her sudden departure and resulting abandonment of him, years later he discovers her again while in law school. He painfully sits through her trial as a law student emotionally agonized and alone, never letting his classmates or professors inside his emotional armor. Finally, we view him later in life experiencing a divorce for being emotionally closed off, aloof, preoccupied, and pained. Glimpses into the seismic impact were subtle, ancillary, and not part of the national commentary on this movie.

This inappropriate sexual experience took an immense toll on this young lad. I imagine he experienced similar confusion, loneliness, and pain that other adolescences experience when sexually exploited by an adult. An additional layer of confusion and pain is the subtle societal message that he somehow is lucky to have been sexually “mentored” by an adult female. The impenetrable armor of male stoicism serves to keep his dark secret in the cavern of his soul, only to cast an ominous and harmful shadow on his life.

Imagine the outrage and discussion if the gender roles were reversed with an adult male and female adolescent. Most likely, the discussion would have focused on the inappropriateness of this sexual arrangement, the inherent power differential, statutory rape concerns, the manipulative and offensive predation of the adult male, and the insidious negative impact on the adolescent female. In fact, given the astute, judicious, and compassionate eye of pro-feminist constituents, such a movie may well have failed in its popularity, as it should. The Reader didn’t even come close to failing. In fact, the female perpetrator won an Academy Award for best female actress. The acting was incredible and poignant in telling a story, but the story of certain tragedy for this young lad was virtually ignored.

This illustrates that we have a long way to go in our society in understanding male sexuality. It will be a good day when we can understand the emotionality and vulnerability behind male sexuality and adolescent posturing. These young boys, despite their emerging sexual energy, need to be respected and protected just as we protect female adolescents. Even though male socialization has tried to remove emotional vulnerability from males, they remain vulnerable underneath the tough guise. Just because some boys want to drive cars fast, binge on alcohol, and skip school, we as a society strive to not allow or condone it. As adults, we strive to provide a safe and healthy environment for our children as they aren’t old or mature enough to do so for themselves.

In real life, we have laws and policies to protect girls and boys. Our cultural ethos on gendered sexuality may at times not support such laws equally. Although our boys may not cry out and tell us about it, their lives will speak for them.

Normalizing the female sexual perpetration of adolescent boys in the cinema isn’t working toward creating a healthy and safe social environment, anymore than going to Hooters for a “good meal” does.

I AM outraged at the particular sexual theme in The Reader, I hope you are too, because WE ARE Outraged is much louder and influential.

The 16-page report outlines the interviews between police and the members of the team, as well as their parents. It shows varying degrees of difference from interview to interview as far as what was taking place in locker rooms and trips off school grounds.

While the report centers mostly around allegations of students poking each other between the butt cheeks as well as an incident in which one student was allegedly held down to be poked in the same manner, other allegations arise. From an incident in which one student urinated on another, to an allegation of a team member touching others with his penis, police looked into several accusations that in the end resulted in no criminal charges being filed.

One alleged victim’s mother told police that her son was being targeted by the other members of the team. Meeting with police on Dec. 15, 2009, the mother said her son “wants more than anything to be friends with the other players” and because of that, “he does not want them to get in to any trouble.”

It is statements such as that, said psychologist Randy Flood, that reveal a distinction between “normal locker room behavior” and “bullying.”

“There is a power differential,” Flood said. “There’s coercion and one person is experiencing fear, harm and damage — emotionally or physically.”

Behavior that would be considered “normal” to Flood would be between two parties with equal power and would be reciprocated by both parties. In some instances within the West Catholic boys cross country team, that was not the case.

Police questioned team members about an RV trip in 2009. One teen told police some team members were taking others into the back of the RV and simulating sex acts on them over their clothes, while others held them down. In one instance, one teen told police an alleged victim came out of the back room with a bloody nose and without his jeans. At that point, other team members tried to drag boy back into the room, but the alleged victim hit his head, so the others stopped.

Flood said the reports are disturbing for obvious reasons, but also because of the positive steps schools have taken since the 1990s to prevent such behavior.

“A case like this hopefully will increase the awareness and help students, teachers, coaches and athletic directors to do a better job at training,” Flood said. “Hopefully, boys and other students will see this is a serious matter.”

Despite the prosecutors’ decision not to file charges against anyone allegedly involved, cross country coach Dennis Scully did not have his contract renewed.

School officials are sticking to the cancellation of the upcoming competitive season. They’ve said from the beginning, despite the outcome of the criminal investigation, they wanted to send a very clear message that this type of behavior would not be tolerated.

Watch Randy’s Interview with Wood TV 8

Watch the news clip on Infidelity in the Digital Age