Most couples coming into therapy identify “communication” as the main issue that caused them to call. Communication can break down over finances, intimacy, parenting, household duties, or any number of issues. Communication in marriage often breaks down in predictable ways so important factors in helping a couple change have less to do with their specific issue and more to do with the pattern of communication the couple uses.

Most couples who come in for couples counseling have come to a point where one or both of the partners has decided that it is easier, maybe less complicated, to avoid a conflict than to approach it. They are aware that to “go there” with their partner will likely cause conflict in the relationship so they choose to go along with their partner instead of fighting about it. Believe it or not though, conflict avoidance by one or both partners in a relationship tends to be one of the most common causes of communication issues for couples. This will be explained more fully a little later.

In most cases, people usually choose to avoid conflict for noble reasons. It seems right to the married person to be selfless, even sacrificial for their partner and to put their partner’s needs before their own. After all it is better to give than to receive. Putting their partner first is the easiest and right way to keep peace in the relationship. Avoiding conflict can seem like the right approach, but it can be hard to accurately assess the cost.

Take for instance a made-up couple Ken and Sue: Ken rarely likes to go out to eat and when he does he likes to go to a certain restaurant that he calls his “favorite greasy spoon.” Sue on the other hand would love to go out to eat often but would never, ever choose Ken’s favorite greasy spoon. On a Friday night after a long week Ken suggests that he and Sue go out to eat. Sue tells him she would love to. Ken asks where she would like to go and Sue tells him that it doesn’t matter to her – that anywhere would be fine. Sue doesn’t want to argue with Ken and besides she is just happy to be going out. When Ken suggests then that they go to his favorite greasy spoon, Sue replies with a disheartened, “Sure, that’d be great.” After all it is his favorite place to go and she likes to see him happy. Sue believes that not arguing and getting to go out is better than fighting over where to eat.

Ken and Sue would be fine if this were an isolated incident. If Sue were appeasing Ken this once then it would truly be a sacrificial, selfless act of generosity. But if this is not an isolated incident, if it is more like a pattern where Sue tends to usually go along with Ken and agree to do something she doesn’t really want to do then this is conflict avoidance. In a conflict avoidant pattern, Sue would not be choosing to appease Ken, she would actually feel that she had to appease Ken, that going along with Ken would be her only option. Over time, conflict avoidance takes its toll on a relationship and causes predictable difficulties in the relationship. Part 2 will describe for you the mechanics and hidden effects of avoiding conflict in marriage.

If you believe that you and your partner would benefit from sessions of direct counseling on this issue and you live in the Grand Rapids area, contact The Fountain Hill Center today to set up an appointment with Dr. Thornsen.

1. Do you have a firm sense of who you are as an individual? Does your partner have an equally mature understanding of who he is?

Marriage is more than a chance to share the bills and bed! Successful marriage involves a complex process where two individuals come together and share themselves with the other in order to reap the many benefits of being in a real, loving, committed relationship. You can’t fully give of yourself to your mate if you don’t know what you have to offer. You’ll never be capable of revealing your deepest self – and therefore achieve true intimacy- if you don’t know who you are to begin with! If you don’t have your own life together – get it together first before you bring someone else into it. If you have unresolved issues – deal with them before they become yours together.

2. Are you joining together in marriage in order to give to your partner out of the abundance of your “fullness” and health (interdependent) or because you need the other person to fulfill your needs (dependent)?

Unfortunately, I would say that the vast majority of marriages, and nearly all new marriages, fall into the latter category. At first glance, clichés like “I’m nothing without you” or “you complete me” sound appropriate, and even romantic when conveyed in sappy love songs or movies. But they portray an immature relationship where one person is broken (and eventually less attractive to the maturing mate) without having their needs met by the other person. A full and healthy marriage is defined by two people who are capable of taking care of their own needs, controlling their own emotions, and fulfilling their own sense of completion – so much so that they have an abundance to share with their partner. These are the marriages that movies used to be written about!

3. How do you view conflict in a relationship?

As a terrible thing that means we’re doomed and should be avoided at all costs? As a fun and typical way to spend a Friday night?! Hopefully, its as a normal, natural, and even necessary reality that occurs when two separate, distinct individuals come together and, often for the first time, are forced to negotiate, change, and compromise in order to share their home, life, and dreams with another individual. Ultimately, this conflict is what makes us stronger, more mature individuals. Learn to do it well!

4. Do you share a common set of beliefs and values?

Compatibility is very important in any relationship, but let’s face it – you have already found each other, become attracted, and committed to each other to the point of becoming engaged. You are obviously compatible in many ways! As stated above, you will have to learn together to navigate the process of cooperating, adapting and growing as you deal with the ways that you are different from each other. In fact, these are often the reasons you were attracted to each other in the first place and, if not managed properly, could be the very same things that drive you apart! Learning to communicate, resolve differences, and just plain get along will come, often through a process where each of you changes some, learns new skills, drops old habits. Our beliefs system and values, however, are very close to our hearts and we are often less willing to compromise them. Be sure that you are committing to someone with whom you share a common belief system and never assume that this one will just change over time.

5.  Spend time “Mapping the Minefield”!

You know the Big Issues: Money, children, in-laws, hobbies, social lives, career decisions, religious practices, sex, the toothpaste. Work these issues through well before your wedding date and make sure that you at least have some basic understanding and common ground. If you have to, have the fight now instead of pretending that it will never come up! Then, commit to working together for the benefit of your relationship. And remember: In the scheme of things, how you determine the common parenting style you plan to employ with your future teenagers is exponentially more important than the color of the flowers what will be trampled by the end of the reception! Believe it or not, your mother would even rather you put off your wedding while you figure these things out than have you sleeping on her couch in six months!

…And PLEEEEESE – seek pre-marital counseling with a trusted therapist or clergy before you tie the knot!

Shore Bride Magazine-Spring 2008